Tuesday, June 11, 2013

This Post Will Not Be Funny

I just wanted to point out here that it was in no way my intention to write a post saying I was back from hiatus and then immediately disappear for another month. I had thought that when my job ended and I had all kinds of free time, I would fall right back into regular blogging just like old times. What I neglected to take into account is that stress and depression are fabulous at inducing writer's block whilst simultaneously making even the smallest task seem like such a gargantuan effort that you are already exhausted before you even begin.

Here's a thing they don't really tell you when you are being treated for depression on a long term basis - being properly medicated and being able to cope with life for long periods of time can cause you to develop a false sense of security about yourself. This only becomes a problem when you get into situations in your life that you aren't able to effectively cope with, and something that would have been a really bad low before you  got help and learned how to deal with things becomes even worse because you know, logically, that you are over-reacting and yet you still can't make it stop. The whole thing becomes one big downward slide into a pool of self hatred and an inner monologue is telling you that you KNOW what the problem is, so just fucking FIX it, but you can't fix it, so obviously you are a COMPLETE FAILURE AT EVERYTHING. And since you are a complete failure at everything, you start to reason that no one likes you because WHY SHOULD THEY SINCE YOU SUCK, and you fail to reach out to the people who love you and could help you back. But again, you KNOW, logically, that this is stupid and it's just the depression talking, and of course you should have reached out and asked for help, dumbass, but you're stupid and now you've let everyone down AGAIN because you are a COMPLETE FAILURE. Et cetera, et cetera, until either you crash and have a public meltdown on Twitter, or someone close to you calls you out on your poorly hidden breakdown and forces you to let them help you. Or both (I have amazing and supportive Twitter followers and the most incredible boyfriend on the planet, THANK YOU).

Anyway, enough of that. My point is, being done with work did absolutely nothing to alleviate the stress of moving to another country, or going back to school in the hope of starting over from scratch with a completely different career, or choreographing and costuming a solo burlesque dance routine for the first time, or, as I finally got around to yesterday, breaking the news to an emotionally fragile and somewhat dependent roommate that I am moving 4,000 miles away from him and he's on his own (it is not going very well). And that's why I disappeared again and why I can't promise you that it won't happen yet again right after this post either. But I'm trying. And I have plans. One of which is that I am thinking about reviewing another horrible book for NaBloPoMo this year. If you think this is a good idea, feel free to leave me some suggestions on what you think I would really hate (excluding Twilight because Mark over at Mark Reads has already done that as brilliantly as it will ever be done). I WILL get back to where I remember how to do this and be funny at it, I just can't promise you exactly when. I am really hoping it's now.

14 comments:

Paul Anthony Shortt said...

Can I say that you're awesome? Because you are.

I have many people in my life who deal with depression and a range of other issues, and I know it's an ongoing challenge. The fact you can come out and openly talk about it speaks volumes of your strength, not just in terms of willpower and determination but also your strength of character. I don't comment as much as I should but I've been following your 50 Shades reviews since almost day one and I get giddy every time I see a post from you show up in my feed.

Take all the time you need. Your posts are worth waiting for!

I'm afraid I can't think of any books you might love to hate and tear apart, but I can suggest some you might enjoy... *cough*mine*cough* ;-)

Anonymous said...

Not here for funny but to enjoy your outlook on the world. However I am in suspenders about the eventual stripper name???
Wish I could remember the name of the book that I, an ardent book lover, once tore to pieces in a park to hel rid the world of its content. Similar could have happened if my mother hadn't snatched back her copy of The Celestine Prophecy which she had nagged me in to reading (apologies to anyone who got anything out of that, we are on different journeys).

TrT said...

You dont need to be on anti depressants to be crushed by losing your job hun.
I've not stopped calculating how far away from losing my house I am....

amberance said...

I'm not the least bit upset that I lost my job. I was absolutely thrilled when I found out. None of the changes going on in my life are bad ones. They are just happening all at the same time.

BrownsFan said...

I'm so glad that you finally talked to the Roommate.I know that must have been hard. (((hugs)))

MarilynnM said...

I had to do something similar to this last year. I've been dealing with depression my entire adult (and most of my childhood) life and was stuck in a dead end job with no hope of ever getting ahead because my supervisors hated me for things I didn't do. So I decided to quit my job and move 6,000kms away and start over. And I'm terrified of change. My room mate was also pretty emotionally fragile and dependent and was definitely not terribly pleased with the news... I went through a massive down very similar to what you described; knowing I was being ridiculous, but not being able to stop, and then feeling useless for feeling hopeless and overwhelmed... It wasn't pretty or fun, but I did get through it all. Eventually. It took more time than I had hoped and it sure as hell was rough getting there, but I'm in a much better place now, in pretty much every meaning of the phrase. Though I'm admittedly still failing to get back to writing...

It's very difficult to get there, and there were many days I was convinced I wouldn't make it, but now I'm so happy I got through it. That I pushed ahead anyway despite how crippling my depression and fear got. I hope it turns out just as well if not better for you. You seem like an awesome person, and you seem to have thought this through, so I'm sure everything will be okay :)

As for bad books to review, I've heard absolutely horrible things about The Host >_> <_<

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about all your troubles! I hope things get better soon. If you're thinking about another series to review I suggest the Inheritance Cycle. I haven't read it, but I hear it's TERRIBLE!

HornGillian said...

Eugh, you poor thing. That all sounds terrible. Wait, what am I talking about? I KNOW it's terrible.
Please do your darndest to at least take care of yourself. Remember to seek love from wherever it lies, and bear in mind that you're not alone.

Hannah said...

Sorry to hear you've been having a shitty time of it and I hope it all improves soon.

Mark I. said...

Having just finished a degree in sculpture, after spending the first 10 years of my adult life becoming and then working as an engineer, I'm going through some of the same stuff right now. It's good to have friends.

How about Modelland by Tyra Banks as the next book to read?

wulfae said...

I've never left a comment, but I'm always excited to see a new post from you. Your fifty shades of grey reviews had me miss some sleep, I was so engrossed.

After I finished reading the original 50 shades books(because SURELY they couldn't be THAT BAD if they are that popular, right??) I really wanted the perspective of someone who actually knew about BDSM. I'm not sure how I wound up on your page, but it has certainly been entertaining and illuminating!

A suggestion for a book to read... Oh good lord, do I ever have one. It is TERRIBLE. I bought it at a dollar store and read it in a night because it was such unbelievable crap. It's called "Sword Master" by Selina Ross. It features a woman who has to pretend to be a man to enter an academy to learn martial arts so she can avenge her father.

Why did she need to pretend to be a man? So the daughter of the school instructor could fall for her. THAT IS THE ONLY REASON.

And then... AND THEN... It's just a train wreck.

(http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3080628-sword-master)

I would also recommend the two Kylie Chan trilogies, they are terrible. Not 50 shades terrible, and no sex, but still completely baffling. How does uninspired poorly motivated and plotted out crap like this get published?

Link to the first in the series: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1644692.White_Tiger

I hope your life stabilises, and I hope nothing but good things for your future endeavours. I've certainly enjoyed what you've done so far.

Anonymous said...

OK so an online bookstore I use but which clearly does not keep track of my reading preferences sent me their "romancezine" and alerted me to The Cossfire Series by Sylvia Day, already a quintet and optioned for TV and has "a gazillion" fans. It inspired the following sentence: "Gideon fans will love the fact that he still has a way to go, emotionally, so there should be plenty more opportunities for some smutty relationship therapy in future books". Now clearly I'm not going to read this pile of manure however I would happily read anyone mocking it.

Jools said...

Did you know that Allie Brosh http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/has written a brilliant new post on depression (part 2).
Check it out, and I hope you find your own piece of corn on the floor somewhere.

laura.banse said...

Depression just sucks. I'm sorry anyone else has to go through it.

On a lighter note, have you seen any of the 50 shades parodies on Amazon? I can't wait to see if any of them are as funny as you... I doubt it, though.